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The dance of anger : a guide to changing the pattern of intimate relationships / [Harriet Lerner].

By: Material type: TextTextPublication details: London : Thorsons, 1989 (1990)Description: xii, 239 p. ; 20 cmISBN:
  • 0722536232
Subject(s): DDC classification:
  • 306.872
Holdings
Item type Current library Call number Copy number Status Date due Barcode
Standard Loan Moylish Library Main Collection 306.872 (Browse shelf(Opens below)) 1 Available 39002000215047
Standard Loan Moylish Library Main Collection 306.872 (Browse shelf(Opens below)) 2 Available 39002000215070
Standard Loan Moylish Library Main Collection 306.872 (Browse shelf(Opens below)) 3 Available 39002000215021
Standard Loan Moylish Library Main Collection 306.872 (Browse shelf(Opens below)) 4 Available 39002000214982

Enhanced descriptions from Syndetics:

A fresh new jacket design brings this classic self-help guide up to date for a contemporary readership. One of the forerunners to today's pop psych market along with Women Who Love Too Much, this multimillion bestseller shows us how anger affects women's relationships and explains how to turn this often destructive force into a constructive one.

For many women, anger is a destructive force that perpetuates all the harmful dynamics of their most intimate relationships.



This classic, inspirational book from internationally respected feminist psychologist Harriet Lerner explores the ways in which anger can lead into a destructive 'dance' within women's relationships- permanent fighting with your nearest and dearest, distancing yourself through silence or blaming others for the failure of your relationships.



Practical and accessible, this book also shows women how the destructive 'dance of anger' can be turned into a constructive force- women should neither suppress their anger nor vent it through aggression, but learn focussed ways to deal with it to find the best solution for all concerned.



Focussing largely on family relationships, the book shows women how to deal with many different relationship issues. The book has meaning for all women, regardless of age, background or experience.



Harriet Lerner provides the reader with the insights and practical skills to stop behaving in the old predictable ways and to begin to use anger to establish a more positive approach to significant relationships.

Includes index.

Excerpt provided by Syndetics

Chapter One The Challenge of Anger Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self--our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions--is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say "no" to the ways in which we are defined by others and "yes" to the dictates of our inner self. Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect, and placate the world. We may hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it. Women who openly express anger at men are especially suspect. Even when society is sympathetic to our goals of equality, we all know that "those angry women" turn everybody off. Unlike our male heroes, who fight and even die for what they believe in, women may be condemned for waging a bloodless and humane revolution for their own rights. The direct expression of anger, especially at men, makes us unladylike, unfeminine, unmaternal, sexually unattractive, or, more recently, "strident." Even our language condemns such women as "shrews," "witches," "bitches," "hags," "nags," "man-haters," and "castrators." They are unloving and unlovable. They are devoid of femininity. Certainly, you do not wish to become one of them. It is an interesting sidelight that our language--created and codified by men--does not have one unflattering term to describe men who vent their anger at women. Even such epithets as "bastard" and "son of a bitch" do not condemn the man but place the blame on a woman--his mother! The taboos against our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational or worse. At a professional conference I attended recently, a young doctor presented a paper about battered women. She shared many new and exciting ideas and conveyed a deep and personal involvement in her subject. In the middle of her presentation, a wellknown psychiatrist who was seated behind me got up to leave. As he stood, he turned to the man next to him and made his diagnostic pronouncement: "Now, that is a very, angry woman." That was that! The fact that he detected--or thought he detected--an angry tone to her voice disqualified not only what she had to say but also who she was. Because the very possibility that we are angry often meets with rejection and disapproval from others, it is no wonder that it is hard for us to know, let alone admit, that we are angry. Why are angry women so threatening to others? If we are guilty, depressed, or self-doubting, we stay in place. We do not take action except against our own selves and we are unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may change and challenge the lives of us all, as witnessed by the past decade of feminism. And change is an anxiety-arousing and difficult business for everyone, including those of us who are actively pushing for it. Thus, we too learn to fear our own anger, not only because it brings about the disapproval of others, but also because it signals the necessity for change. We may begin to ask ourselves questions that serve to block or invalidate our own experience of anger: "Is my anger legitimate?" "Do I have a right to be angry?" "What's the use of my getting angry?" "What good will it do?" These questions can be excellent ways of silencing ourselves and shutting off our anger. Let us question these questions. Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, "Is my anger legitimate?" is similar to asking, "Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a, glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what's the point of getting thirsty when I can't get anything to drink now, anyway?" Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. Weall have a right to everything we feel--and certainly our anger is no exception. There are questions about anger, however, that may be helpful to ask ourselves: "What am I really angry about?" "What is the problem, and whose problem is it?" "How can I sort out who is responsible for what?" "How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?" "When I'm angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?" "What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?" "If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?" These are questions. that we will be addressing in subsequent chapters, with the goal, not of getting rid of our anger or doubting its validity, but of gaining greater clarity about its sources and then learning to take a new and different action on our own behalf. Dance of Anger, The . Copyright © by Harriet Lerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Author notes provided by Syndetics

Well-known psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Learner has helped millions of women with relationship problems.

Women around the world have benefited from Lerner's guidance in the bestselling series Dance of Anger, Dance of Intimacy, Dance of Deception. In her monthly column, Good Advice, which appears in New Woman magazine, the author gives practical answers to the big and little questions of life. In Life Preservers: Staying Afloat in Love and Life (1996) the reader who has read too many self-help books and is still not perfect is given a clear plan of action to cut through confusion.

Other titles by Lerner include Women in Therapy: Devaluation, Anger, Aggression, Depression, Self-Sacrifice, Mothering, Mother Blaming, Self Betrayal, Sex-Role Stereotypes, Dependency, Work and Success, Inhibitions, and The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life. The author has also written a children's book, What's So Terrible About Swallowing an Appleseed , that examines the sister relationship and honesty. In addition, Lerner has created a series of self-help audio cassettes.

Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kans. and frequent workshop leader, lecturer, and consultant. She is married and the mother of two sons.

(Bowker Author Biography)

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